Hoofnagle.org

I have just pulled what I feel like is the most unprofessional shit of my entire life. Intellectually I know that this is not the case but DAMMIT why couldn't I see this coming sooner??? I have just put my company to a complete scramble at the 9th hour to send someone else on a trip I was supposed to make. Saying something ANY day before today would have been reasonable, since the trip was short notice anyway, but today is a scramble.

The story: I have been, as some of you know, in Charleston 4 out of the last 5 weeks, not counting this week. I was slated to go down again this Sunday for a part of the week. I was planning on staying at most 2 days. I should have seen that the work needed could easily take a full week. Anyhow, this afternoon at 2 pm I finally got hit by the big fat cluestick that it WOULD take all week or easily COULD and I CANT be there all week.

I am feeling guilty as hell because I decided my need to get into and out of the OB/GYN's office (or actually the sonagram people's office) superceded the needs of my project. Fuck. No. I'm not feeling bad for that. I'm feeling bad because I didn't put it all together until today, Friday, before the trip (mind you, no return ticket had been purchased for me, so the length of my stay was open ended already). I feel guilty. And yet. Dammit -- I *have* to have accurate numbers on how far along this pregnancy actually is so that if they have to induce they know what they're working with, the dates for conception I have don't match with the exam the midwife gave me and you can't GET accurate numbers much later than 12 weeks into a pregnancy. That means I have to have the sonagram NOW -- not a week from now. NOW. Before another week passes to muddy the waters.

My boss is on my side about this. My PM is frustrated and problem solving and startled because she took it for granted I'd do something I can't in fact do, but she's ok with it. I don't actually need to be told that this is a health issue and it can't wait. I could end up with a C section from bad numbers on this. I'm beating myself up for not seeing the need and speaking to it fast enough. Pointless. Stupid. And yet, dammit, I feel it anyway. When will I professional enough to understand and acknowledge honest personal mistakes without so damn much mea culpa?? Histrionics annoyme in other people, so I should suck it up and move on.

Anyhow, my life is complicated right now and I have been a complete, exhausted stress monster as I try to be 3 places (Charleston, the office, my personal life) at once.

Posted by karen at April 12, 2002 12:00 AM